This year is the start of something new in me. It’s a year for new beginnings, and a path to healthy emotions, self-love, new photography and art things, and of course the ever-elusive six pack abs.
But really, the last couple years have been very, very bad for me. And for the sake of journalism and accurate documentation, I would like to re-cap the last 3 years very briefly in the form of a crude timeline. To begin, let’s start with school: I’ve been attending Cal Baptist University for a 3 year nursing program from 2012-2016. I transferred from Riverside Community College Norco, with two of my buds who I also took karate with. Around the first semester of nursing 2013, I met this girl, who I would go on to spend time with at school lunches, and friends’ parties, we hiked, we watched movies and ordered Chinese, we drove around both of out cities hanging out at Barnes and Noble, or the park, or getting drinks and renting out hotel rooms. We would meet up after clinicals and get a hotel and watch tv and order food just to be with each other until we both had classes again.
We become boyfriend and girlfriend, we move out of our parents homes and rent a room and get jobs together while we’re in school. I’m frustrated that I can’t go home to my moms or have an opinion on the groceries we buy together. I’m belittled for our different upbringings, and things like how I make the bed differently. We fight sometimes, but we make up and she says she still loves me and I believe her. I start living with her and her family. We take a trip to see her great grandma in Nebraska. That was our first trip. We bring her dog. It was amazing. She looked beautiful. Later she inherits her grandmas house, we both move and get new jobs, and it’s just her and I now. We fight some more about nothing important, and I help her renovate hew new home. Her dog dies under my supervision. I tried to give him CPR.
Its our second year of nursing school now and I am beginning to feel alone and even worthless in the relationship. I’m at fault for everything, always. She tells me her mom thinks I am a loser. I start to become depressed. We go to couples counseling now at our school, after classes to try and get help. We fight and it drives me to seek suicide help at the hospital. I start therapy and medication. She decides to get a new dog. Then she gets that dog a playmate. It’s a girl. Apparently she’s mine to train. We go to Petco now for puppy classes together and schedule it around school. I like the dogs. I like walking them and having them with us in bed for movies.
Things are getting good again. She tells me that she’s gone off birth control, and I’m glad because I think it will be good for us. We are fighting a lot less. I’m still not feeling good sometimes. It’s the depression. One spring break she tells me that she’s made plans for me to spend spring break with her dad because he’s had depression too and she thinks it might be good for me.
I hesitantly go, and am irritated that I never had a choice or a say in it. But I make the best of it. I enjoy the drive up to Oregon. I enjoy camping and I keep in touch with her. I come back a week later. I missed her. She was having heart tachycardia lately. The first thing I do when I get home is I kiss her in her bed. I think “I’m back now. I missed her so much. I know we’ve had our struggles, but maybe that trip will help me.” No –She breaks up with me. She says it doesn’t mean anything, and she still wants to marry me. She says it’s because I told her one time that she was the only thing that made me happy (and unfortunately, that put too much pressure on her).
I move out. I rent a subletted room with 3 other guys in there with me, in a mobile home packed with another 5 people, an only one bathroom. I start thinking, maybe she left me a long time ago. Maybe the whole trip she planned for me was just so she could be with someone else. I go through all of my thoughts, I finish out the last semester of the year, barely. My last year in school, I am doing better in therapy, my girlfriend, now my ex, is doing things on her own. She seems like she still cares about me. But has stood me up about 10 times in a row in about 2 months. She never notices.
I have moved back home because my parents were worried about me. I continue therapy and medication. I do a lot better in school, but I had to repeat a semester because of depression and failing grades. My grades go from D’s and F’s to C’s and B+’s. My ex is happy I’m doing so good -better than they were when they had that class. I finally graduate. My ex still leaves messages on my pictures, but we don’t talk like before anymore. I agreed to stop telling her I miss her and to just talk to her as a friend. She continues to leave me mixed messages, but I can’t open up to her anymore. The hurt is too deep. I keep it superficial.
This year is about me. It’s about acceptance. Accepting what I’ve done, who I’ve hurt, and what I look forward to in life. I’ve tried to date, I’ve exercised, I’ve taken care of myself, I’ve lost the weight I gained from when I was depressed. It’s hard bringing all this up again. I didn’t mean to. They were just thoughts, and I didn’t know where to put them.
It’s Easter Sunday. The same day three years ago, a couple days after I asked her to be my girlfriend. I’ve been through 3 homes, I’ve been to the hospital for suicide help 3 times, I’v emade and lost friends. I’ve been through a lifetime and I wish I would have done it smarter. I wish I wouldn’t have let myself become so manipulated and emotionally abused.
This year, I still feel lonely sometimes. I’ve had to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and I still hardly have a support system, or no real close friends. I’m still struggling through school, and I haven’t been consistent in my relationship with God. I’m not sure about anything yet, but I know I am moving on. I have to. I’m ready to be healthy. I’m ready to be myself again, and I’m ready to succeed. I’m ready to find love, and I’m ready to love myself. I will continue to struggle, but I hope everything will be okay.