Keeping Film Alive: 2017 -a photographic gear journey

Overly Deep Thinker

IMG_20170424_152758_136I apologize for the long read in advance, but if you’re like me, and enjoy reading the photographic experiences of others, you will hopefully find this enjoyable. =)

I am getting into film and printmaking for the first time.

Growing up in the digital age of the 90s, my first camera was a Canon 20D which i bought used on ebay in 2012 (this was originally new in 2004! Isn’t used eBay gear always great!?). With no budget for a modern lens and just wanting to make pictures with my new camera, i found a generic brand lens, a 35mm elicar f 2.8

Soon after, a voigtlander vitomatic iia caught my attention after seeing some low light photos on Flickr, and had to pick one up. I decided I loved the lens and ergonomics of the film camera, but didn’t enjoy using the rangefinder so much, so I became more…

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Easter Sunday Thoughts 2017

This year is the start of something new in me. It’s a year for new beginnings, and a path to healthy emotions, self-love, new photography and art things, and of course the ever-elusive six pack abs.

But really, the last couple years have been very, very bad for me. And for the sake of journalism and accurate documentation, I would like to re-cap the last 3 years very briefly in the form of a crude timeline. To begin, let’s start with school: I’ve been attending Cal Baptist University for a 3 year nursing program from 2012-2016. I transferred from Riverside Community College Norco, with two of my buds who I also took karate with. Around the first semester of nursing 2013, I met this girl, who I would go on to spend time with at school lunches, and friends’ parties, we hiked, we watched movies and ordered Chinese, we drove around both of out cities hanging out at Barnes and Noble, or the park, or getting drinks and renting out hotel rooms. We would meet up after clinicals and get a hotel and watch tv and order food just to be with each other until we both had classes again.

We become boyfriend and girlfriend, we move out of our parents homes and rent a room and get jobs together while we’re in school. I’m frustrated that I can’t go home to my moms or have an opinion on the groceries we buy together. I’m belittled for our different upbringings, and things like how I make the bed differently. We fight sometimes, but we make up and she says she still loves me and I believe her. I start living with her and her family. We take a trip to see her great grandma in Nebraska. That was our first trip. We bring her dog. It was amazing. She looked beautiful. Later she inherits her grandmas house, we both move and get new jobs, and it’s just her and I now. We fight some more about nothing important, and I help her renovate hew new home. Her dog dies under my supervision. I tried to give him CPR.

Its our second year of nursing school now and I am beginning to feel alone and even worthless in the relationship. I’m at fault for everything, always. She tells me her mom thinks I am a loser. I start to become depressed. We go to couples counseling now at our school, after classes to try and get help. We fight and it drives me to seek suicide help at the hospital. I start therapy and medication. She decides to get a new dog. Then she gets that dog a playmate. It’s a girl. Apparently she’s mine to train. We go to Petco now for puppy classes together and schedule it around school. I like the dogs. I like walking them and having them with us in bed for movies.

Things are getting good again. She tells me that she’s gone off birth control, and I’m glad because I think it will be good for us. We are fighting a lot less. I’m still not feeling good sometimes. It’s the depression. One spring break she tells me that she’s made plans for me to spend spring break with her dad because he’s had depression too and she thinks it might be good for me.

I hesitantly go, and am irritated that I never had a choice or a say in it. But I make the best of it. I enjoy the drive up to Oregon. I enjoy camping and I keep in touch with her. I come back a week later. I missed her. She was having heart tachycardia lately. The first thing I do when I get home is I kiss her in her bed. I think “I’m back now. I missed her so much. I know we’ve had our struggles, but maybe that trip will help me.” No –She breaks up with me. She says it doesn’t mean anything, and she still wants to marry me. She says it’s because I told her one time that she was the only thing that made me happy (and unfortunately, that put too much pressure on her).

I move out. I rent a subletted room with 3 other guys in there with me, in a mobile home packed with another 5 people, an only one bathroom. I start thinking, maybe she left me a long time ago. Maybe the whole trip she planned for me was just so she could be with someone else. I go through all of my thoughts, I finish out the last semester of the year, barely. My last year in school, I am doing better in therapy, my girlfriend, now my ex, is doing things on her own. She seems like she still cares about me. But has stood me up about 10 times in a row in about 2 months. She never notices.

I have moved back home because my parents were worried about me. I continue therapy and medication. I do a lot better in school, but I had to repeat a semester because of depression and failing grades. My grades go from D’s and F’s to C’s and B+’s. My ex is happy I’m doing so good -better than they were when they had that class. I finally graduate. My ex still leaves messages on my pictures, but we don’t talk like before anymore. I agreed to stop telling her I miss her and to just talk to her as a friend. She continues to leave me mixed messages, but I can’t open up to her anymore. The hurt is too deep. I keep it superficial.

This year is about me. It’s about acceptance. Accepting what I’ve done, who I’ve hurt, and what I look forward to in life. I’ve tried to date, I’ve exercised, I’ve taken care of myself, I’ve lost the weight I gained from when I was depressed. It’s hard bringing all this up again. I didn’t mean to. They were just thoughts, and I didn’t know where to put them.

It’s Easter Sunday. The same day three years ago, a couple days after I asked her to be my girlfriend. I’ve been through 3 homes, I’ve been to the hospital for suicide help 3 times, I’v emade and lost friends. I’ve been through a lifetime and I wish I would have done it smarter. I wish I wouldn’t have let myself become so manipulated and emotionally abused.

This year, I still feel lonely sometimes. I’ve had to resort to unhealthy coping mechanisms, and I still hardly have a support system, or no real close friends. I’m still struggling through school, and I haven’t been consistent in my relationship with God. I’m not sure about anything yet, but I know I am moving on. I have to. I’m ready to be healthy. I’m ready to be myself again, and I’m ready to succeed. I’m ready to find love, and I’m ready to love myself. I will continue to struggle, but I hope everything will be okay.


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I’ve been adopting a vegan diet for the past five months and I am coming into a point where I am not sure anymore if it is healthy.

The physical benefits are great, I’ve lost over 30 pounds of weight and I am not going up and down the weighing scale. I am able to exercise to a greater level more easily because I never feel bloated or too heavy after eating. I just am full but don’t feel like I just had a big meal (because I really didn’t I guess). Point is, I feel great -I just don’t know what the downsides are to a vegan diet.

I first started this after talking with two friends who were a veggie and a vegan and after having seen the film docs Fathead, Fat Sick and Nearly Dead, and Forks Over Knives. Also, I’ve been reading The China Study on and off. I am just worried that I am being misinformed: From one side, I hear that saturated animal fats actually raise hdl (“good cholesterol”) and lower ldl – in essence, removing plaque build up from arteries that cause atherosclerosis and that ldl’s (“bad, artery clogging cholesterol”) actually come from factory processed consumer carbs which humans do not need  in their diet at all like cereals, grains, whole wheat, white bread, etc.

And on another, slightly unrelated side, that plant based foods including grains and wheat are acceptable to eat and even if removed completely, a green leafy diet is all you need in the first place (for instance, one would get a complete set of amino acids from kale and spinach to have complete dietary protein for their diet). The reasoning being that since saturated fats can be made by the body’s cells you don’t need to consume saturated fats and you can have your polyunsaturated fats from plants. Also, a plant based whole foods diet would cure many of today’s modern diseases -cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity, etc.

There are criticisms on both sides here, that I do not mention just because I don’t have much info on them yet. I do know of one vegan’s relapse back into omnivore-ism because she believed based on her research, her vegan diet was un-sustaining and not healthy nutritionally speaking. It turns out, one of my friends who had turned me on to veganism still suggests for me to take protein supplements on my vegan diet.

Now I am just lost -lets take just as an example protein needs: why do i need protein supplements if according to my sources I can get all the dietary protein I need from spinach and kale alone on a vegan diet? Who is giving out the wrong information here? I guess for now, I will continue to see how I feel and if the diet is sustainable.

[Update: This was a draft from 5 years ago. Posted 7/2016.]

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The Path of Lonliness

Anyas Ghost

Drawing Lessons From the Great Masters

Henry Yan’s Figure Drawing

The China Study

Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind: Watercolor Impressions

The Italic Way to Beautiful Handwriting


Trigun, Slayers, Samurai Champloo, Cowboy Bepop


ink (check), a rekab oil brush size 1 (check), Turpentine and linseed oil (check), Liquitex Matte medium, some hardboard or masonite, new headphones (check)

Listen to: Youtube original artists, Alistair Begg

[Update: This was a draft from 5 years ago. Posted on 7/2016.]

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July 25, 2016 · 8:19 pm

The Second Year of my Second Birth.

[Update: this was a draft from 5 years ago. Just Posted now. 7/2016.]

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Want the world to end today

I woke up feeling so good this morning, and I had planned with my sister to go to Barnes and Noble (bookstore) and spend up her unused 25 dollar gift card she had. We were there the other day just to look and she didn’t have the card with her, so we went today. There was a Bone book by Jeff Smith I saw earlier for around ten bucks and I think I either moved it when I was there last or someone bought it because I couldn’t find it again.

We were there for a couple hours because I couldn’t find any comics I liked for around that price. I did see a really nice book by Jim  Lee and Loeb called Hush -Unwrapped- and the whole comic book was done in pencils and ink -no color. I really love seeing line art like that it’s one of those thing where I just go ‘whoa, cool.’ I just have a thing for pencils. They are versatile, minimalist, raw, elemental and the way you can use line and value with only pencils amazes me and catches me off guard. There’s so much character in penciled line-art, it’s not as heavy as ink (though I think most of the reason I feel that way is we’ve all grown up on the pencil; back in the old days people used ink pens the way we do now with pencils). Although, I like ink in my own way too, just not in the style of comics.

Back to the barnes and noble store, I also saw Vampirella by warren (cover by AH), Hack/slash (tim seeley), Batman (Tim Sale). I was also looking for some steampunk stuff, but the only comic I found in that genre was Clockwork Girl -about a beast boy who falls in love with a robot. They had nothing from any private publishers and the only thing I really like right now is Lady Mechanika, Fathom, or anything with Michael Turner’s name on it. No luck though and I know no places that would carry them. I don’t have the money either to subscribe if they do that service.

I took a peek around the sketchbooks and thought about buying one of those cookbook holders to stand some of my bigger books up while using them. Sometimes I use them for reference in my art, or for inspiration’s sake I like leaving them out and looking at them as I draw. I also saw the Game of thrones books by George R.R. Martin and I was reminded by what someone told me about getting his autograph at this year’s comic-con and was immediately jealous lol. I was thinking about getting the third book, but decided to come back because I really don’t wanna buy from the store when you could get the same thing or better online for half the price.

Anyway, We came home and my sister spent the gift card by herself the streets were all blinking red lights and lots of traffic. We got hungry and drove to sams to get some 4 berry sundaes (a dollar 50 each for a medium drink cup size) We ate it all, and went to look around the store at the movie and ps3 games. One of our controllers got old and needed to be replaced, so we wanted to check on the prices.

Now, since I’ve been home, my parents have been treating me like crap -yelling at me when things they are doing won’t work (computer stuff, so I try to fix it). It doesn’t work and I suggest they are just doing maintenance. I was told to go away and wash the dishes (not even a lot, only half a sink full, which is about like 2 table settings worth of stuff) so even though I could’ve gotten more mad, I just did it to get it over with. Dishes done, I head upstairs to rest and go on my laptop, then I’m called back down because my mom can’t log into her email and print something. I reminded her since we had just gotten the new printer connectivity issues was one of the topics in the bad review I had read (she wanted a good deal: a new dell printer for 49.99 shipped. and ignored what I was telling her about the reviews).  She tells me to just leave it alone and she’s going to

uhh I am just tired today and don’t feel like walking the dog right now. I’m gonna try to catch some sleep and when I wake up I wanna clean my room and draw. I’ve been stressed lately and my parents are not helping. Sometimes I feel like I want the world to end because then nothing would matter anymore except the kind of people we have been and a little destruction and chaos would make all of us treat others better as people.

There are people starving in the world and dying from who knows what and people in the city with everything they have can’t manage to teach themselves how to coincide with each other.

[update: This was from 5 years ago, but it was a draft and I just now decided to post it. I don’t know why.]

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Like a glass of wine

[posted 5 years ago. No idea what I was writing, but interesting title.]

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